i wrote this 5 november 2004. i still feel the same way in 2007.

stage left: life-size silver swinging pendulums- beats and broken beats.
stage right: a purple plastic bench and a life size rubic's cube.
centre stage/backdrop: 1940s box cameras lined up in semi circle which gives off flashes. only 2 spots on at one time.


I would rather be an honest elitist than have a bunch of parasites riding on my personality; especially when they wear ugly clothes, listen to bad music and has a christmas tree for a best friend. I say go get your own personality and popularity. I can't help it if I was born popular. I am aggresive but I am utterly affectionate. I deal better with anger and melancholy now. I am calmer but it makes me passive and I don't like passive; in myself that is. Passive behaviour from other people is fine bacause I tend to be domineering. But please don't give me hopeless passive. It frustrates me. When I project hostility, the aftermath makes me sad. I like the monster when it's asleep but the bitch mode is always on standby. I don't like to press that button because it traumatised my friends. Terrorising other people who deserved it is ok though, I try to rationalize. But still, never would I have thought that in the turn of the century, my own hostility towards other people would make me sad. I appreciate the value of non-materialistic things but it makes me a sentimental bitch. I keep scraps of letters or proses given to me. I like it stained and yellowed. I heal very fast but I repeat my mistakes. I love parties and parties love me. I don't like busrides because I can't read in buses and they impose an overdose of self reflection. I love sunshine but I also love grey skies but rain makes me lazy. I am not afraid of heights but I am terrified of falling down from a height. I'm not sure if there is a difference in scientific terms. I love the company that I have and the effects they have on me. Most times hilarious, sometimes good, sometimes bad. But note... some bad-ass goodness are always welcomed. I don't trust boys who say they trust me. But I want to trust and be trusted. When I fall madly in love with a song I put it on repeat mode for months to come. I love to be spooned and I love to sit on benches hugged from behind. A whole seat is mostly redundant to me because I sit on the very edge. And no one has ever noticed that. I like to trot on pages. Give me stories, any story... how you dropped your last tampon into the toilet bowl, the arguments you have with your bf over kissing butts (literally) or why your grandma (who has a huge hole in her stomach because they took out her intestines) is the cutest thing in the world. Give me techno, tech-house, give me electro, give me bass, give me drums, give me keroncong, give me hums and spoken words. Give me pictures. I have snapshots of the little things people do. They don't know. But it's vivid. I can take you on a fantastic magic carpet ride but can you survive the bumps and humps or will you jump off when the magic takes a break. I like a queen-sized bed with a group of friends binging and talking endlessly, teasing and mocking with caustic sarcasm. I like it queen-sized coz i like to see friends' heads on other friends' laps and friends' feet up against the wall beside the ugly painting. And I like to see friends cussing over space when it's time to sleep, if we get ever get to that. I am random. Supersonic activity. But i think I'm slowing down. I never knew what exactly i wanted to do with life, but it's always the little things... colorful little things that matter to me.

*I'M NOT FINISHED. I'M NEVER FINISHED.*