| When my world sees me again |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|02:19 am] |
Last November I did a short film directed by S.O. I've not seen it. It's been several years since I had a hobby. It's been years since I really engaged myself in passion.
Today I watched a preview of my debut comeback for TV. Before I watched it, the production team has had a preview of their own. Nazri commented that I really moved him to tears at the last bit. Of course, the impact that I was hoping for. He gave me an eight. Out of ten.
I couldn't really follow the flow of the 1hr program. I wasn't kept in suspense in the storyline. Perhaps because I have already played the story. I was rather critical of technicalities. It was out of habit. I miss producing. But mostly I was distracted and perturbed by my weathered skin. A sight so horrendous to me, I want to stop it from airing. Steal the tape and burn it. Erase the evidence forever.
Next week, thousands of people are going to watch my face grace the screen again. Next week, these people would be surprised to see me on the screen again. Next week, majority of these people would be glad to see talent on TV again. And next week, there will be some of these people saying 'Why the fuck did they bring her back on TV?'.
But all of them will be thinking the same thing. At the first close up. During commercial break. Or somewhere in the middle of the program. Or perhaps when the credit roll. They will be thinking the same thought. What the fuck happened to her skin. Next week. Would they be more critical of my face than my skills? Would my skin distract them from my talent? Would they feel horrified? Would they have empathy and say 'what a waste, such talent but damn... the face'?
My excitement to tease the world by saying hey I'm back in the industry has been robbed.
Tonight, I am crying. Totally aware of my skin condition, I just didn't think it would look that amplified on TV. I don't worry about talent. I have talent. Be it my own or I inherited it. I have it. But the world has different eyes. Those eyes are indifferent. To my plight. The world does not sympathize. The world just wants to watch TV. And TV is flawless. The verdict lies in those eyes.
Tomorrow morning, I hand my face over to technology. And now I stop. Crying. |
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