I wanted to be adored. And I was adored me for everything that I am, that I wasn’t and attempt to be. He tried so hard to understand every piece of me; literally piecing everything together from my past writings, to inner circle disclosure to my intimacy. He tried so hard. Perhaps that was the problem. He had to try. He didn’t understand simply. He had to see me crawl out of my multi layered skin I shed here and there to understand the complexity of what he truly loved. I couldn’t live with it. I was losing it. Losing my head at the slightest thing and barking his head off . Every smallest little thing that was not understood was magnified to reiterate that he is not the one for me. Perhaps I am not the one for such giving and selflessness. Either way, I saw it and it took the better of me. As much as the inner circle would think otherwise, it pains me to be aware of the way I’ve been treating him towards the end of it all. Because he didn’t deserve any of it. It is so corny to say he deserved better. But have we all seen too much in this lifetime to label everything corny, to agree that he really does deserve better. I had in the gutter of my palms pure adoration and I didn't adore in return. I couldn't. It drove me crazy. I couldn't contain it.


I remember the mistakes I’ve done before and how it comes rippling back to me in the blink of a distant eye, at a turn of an unsuspecting head and in the midst of my wishful hope of a calmer life. I remember past relationships built on superficial affection, momentary adrenalines and fear of loneliness. I remember wasting time so foolishly on relationships I didn't believe in, in guys I didn't really love, daily bickering and unnecessary emotional turmoil. I remember going through motion and forgetting the things I've learnt. It was pathetic and this is my conscious attempt to steer away from that. To not waste each other's time. Love bears different magnitudes and my deep affection didn't equate to his love.


And so I lied. I said I would help him to hate me, if that is what it takes for him to let go. If that makes it easier for him. That was my pride talking. Now he most probably does and I cannot live a normal day. I am indeed selfish. I want him to continue to adore me; the idea of me. Because even though I cannot adore him, I hold a deep affection for him, for the things he has done for me, for the gentle kindness and endless generosity. And that makes me a sick and horrible human being. A self centred egoistical scum.

We've tried and we can't go on trying without belief and conviction of our feelings, thoughts and actions.

I fear if I had stayed any longer, I would destroy him. I am afraid of Karma. Very much so.

Forgive me. Perhaps it was all a facade that inspired such adoration. Perhaps I am just a very well constructed facade.